Hover over each Illiterati Card to learn more about how they came to be who they are today!

A Thousand and One Nights ago, Bastille Malvado discovered a treasure map filled with riddles and sailed his ship, "The Misadventure" to the end of the world in search of riches. But riches were never to be had because, with map in hand, Bastille smashed his ship into the shoreline after confusing the blue part for land and the green part for water. Staying true to it's name, "The Misadventure" sunk to the bottom of the ocean and Bastille eventually realized that he was unable to read maps . . . or anything for that matter. As a poor and broken man, he bet his last dubloon on a spelling bee. In the first round he was asked to spell "another word for ocean" and he said "C" and the crowd erupted into laughter. Ridiculed and shamed, Malvado knew that the only way healthy way to deal with his embarassment was to . . . casually resort to a life of piracy and skullduggery. Embittered against maps and all written materials, Bastille pillages and papercuts all who stand in his way. His mode of brutalizing books? Repeated stabbing with his "Cccccccutlass of the Seven C's".

Years ago, Fiora Ironclad and her roommate were attempting to build a brand new armchair they had just purchased from a furniture store called IDEA. Bereft of the ability to read and guided by a poorly designed instruction manual, the two were driven to such frustration that their beloved pizza dinner eventually grew cold. Enraged by this betrayal most foul, Fiora scorched the cold pizza with a welding tool they just so happened to have lying around and then proceeded to go on a rampage incinerating instruction manuals, car repair guides, roller coaster blueprints, and all forms of instructional material. Armed with her modified welding tool, "The Pageburner 451", Fiora commits her arson upon the alphabet with extreme prejudice.

As a young girl wanting nothing more than to play with all her cats all day, Minerva Fantine witnessed the brutal murder of her Christmas vacation at the cruel hands of winter break homework. Declaring war on all forms of education, she determined that if she was ever in charge of center for higher learning, there would be no homework, and no higher learning. When Minerva became Headmistress of Cheshire Academy for Talented Students (CATS for short), she did just that and got rid of homework, tests and grades and became an overnight hero among the student body. She became so popular, that no one seemed to notice when when the library hours were changed to Saturday mornings . . . when no one was at school. And no one seemed to bat an eye when she shut down the library altogether citing "low attendance" and "lack of interest."

Strict, cold and smelling oddly of kitty litter, Minerva patrols the hallways in an effort to purge the world of written ideas. Should she catch you with a textbook, comic book or even a rude limerick, Minerva will happily introduce your literary contraband to her razor sharp cat gauntlets, which she has affectionately named "Claw and Order."

As the reigning queen over the criminal underworld, Persephone Vile and her guard dog Furberus rule the world's organized crime with an iron lollipop. Born into a family of criminal masterminds, Peresephone Vile was committed to a life of money laundering at at a time when her diapers were still being laundered. Using her deceptively innocent "cute force" mixed with the ferocity and size of Furberus' "brute force", the Terrible Twosome have been known to viciously shakedown any hapless conosseur of written material. Any reader unfortunate enough to get caught in her pint sized hands have to make a, watch the pages of their book slathered in sticky candy or watch their beloved book get eaten alive by Furberus. Her motive? Despite what the commercial claimed, she was never "hooked on phonics" and abhors all the colors of the "reading rainbow."

Careening high above the skies, Professor Absalom Faust commands the Illiterati from his flying fortress, the Revelation. As a young boy Absalom loved to read books of every kind. But one day while playing baseball, he missed the game winning catch because he was reading "Bladder of Darkness." As the other fourth graders began to boo and pelt him with old juice boxes, a darkness began to spread into more than just his bladder. Henceforth Absalom determined that reading was the true enemy of all that is good. As the world's first professor of English Illiterature, he wrote a book (it was all pictures) called "Reeding Will Mayk U Dum" warning against the catastrophic dangers of allowing people to think independently. Charismatic, charming and sporting a well groomed mustache, Absalom rallied support from around the globe in order to form the Illiterati. Their singular mission? To make books, nevermore.

Armed with the Alpha and Omegaphone, Absalom is able to propel his voice to a distance and volume matching that of a thundering cannon, making the Professor's mode of literary assassination the most devious of them all. Because when the self proclaimed "Glorious Leader" is feeling particularly naughty, he will fly aboard the Revelation and publicly spoil the ending of whatever book he feels is in vogue." Why would you do this?" the common people often ask. To which Absalom always responds "because reading is hard . . . and knowledge is power."